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July 22, 2008
Filed Under (crazy, on being g) by giovanna
I don’t know why I can’t find the words…I certainly have the thoughts. Constantly repeating thoughts, racing around my brain as if I were bi-polar. And just so you know, I am not bi-polar. I am actually disthymic…but that’s another post. Anyway, I just can’t seem to sit down and get the thoughts out of my head and onto paper, or in this case, into cyberspace. What’s wrong with me? Last year, when I began blogging, I couldn’t stop writing. I would wake up in the middle of the night just to post some thoughts. Now it all feels so forced. It’s crazy…and the fact that I’m blogging about my inability to blog is even crazier. Maybe I’ve become too comfortable with life, or maybe, life has become too uncomfortable. Either way, the world goes round, and my life continues to happen. And, despite all of the insanity I can say I am grateful for every crazy second of crazy every day.
June 20, 2008
After 100 years, 5 months, and 14 days, my paternal grandmother quietly died. She was surrounded by 5 of her 7 children and several grandchildren. My father was aware that the end was near yet is was still a bit difficult for him, after all, no matter how old we get, our mothers are always our mothers. As for myself, it was the first time I ever attended the death of a relative, and it was an experience that I am not looking forward to ever repeating. Death and dying is not foreign to me. I attended hundreds of deaths over the years while working with hospice. I’ve held hands with the dying, and comforted those left behind. I always considered it to be an honor and a privilege to be accepted into a family at one of the most pivotal moments in time; a time where emotions run freely and uncontrollably, and a time when defenses are down and people are in their most vulnerable state. No matter how painful the loss and grief, I was always welcomed…as if I were always there, one of them. This death was different. Here, I was an outsider looking in and I didn’t like what I saw. Even worse, I hated how I felt. I was in a room full of strangers. I knew their faces, their names, even their blood. This was my family yet there was no connection…not physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. As I was taking this all in and processing it I realized that I too experienced a great loss…the loss of my dreams of a family, my dreams of belonging.
June 11, 2008
Although in this case I was the cat, and my kitten was the mouse. I left her 10 weeks ago when she was only 6 months old, a baby! I thought I was leaving her in good hands. Well, I was wrong…my baby is having babies! And my dad, whose ‘good hands’ I thought I was leaving her in, witnessed the whole event! And did nothing!!! So now I am watching, waiting, and preparing for this blessed event. She should be giving birth within the next week. In the meantime I have been giving that kitty a good talkin’ to. I told her “babies shouldn’t be having babies”, then I just had to ask, “what were you thinking?”. Her response was one quick “meow” followed by a head butt. Although I’m not quite sure what that meant, I am very sure of this…girlfriend’s getting spayed once this fiasco is over!
June 08, 2008
…a thousand words. Since I know damn well that I could never focus long enough to write a thousand words about me in a meme, I thought this would be perfect. I saw this over at Dove Mi Porta Il Cuore and thought it was pure genius…and fun too!
Get the picture? Now you know you want to do this, so here are the rules: a. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search. 1. What is your first name? 1. Carpe Diem 2. Still Life 3. Atlantic City High School Snapshot 4. Pink Gadgets 5. Lenny Kravitz 6. Water is Life 7. Moorea 8. Red Velvet Cake at CPK 9. Calm, Cool, & Collected 10. Surfers Nostalgia Blue 11. Complicated 12. Bon Voyage to all of Our Crap
May 30, 2008
Unlike alot of people, I couldn’t wait to turn 40. This was, after all, an event that was forty years in the making. I don’t know what could be more incredible than that…besides maybe the next forty years. Anyway, this year I decided to do something very un G-like. I decided to break from my usual routine of jetting off to some unknown place where nobody knew me so that I could wake up the morning of my birthday in a new, beautiful, and different place. My family and friends always thought it was nuts, I always thought it was amazing. This year I thought I’d do something a little different. I was already going to be in Florida for other celebrations and so I planned to just surprise everyone and stay in a very familiar place, with some very familiar people. I rented my old place, woke up in comforting surroundings, and saw some of the most beautiful people I’ve ever met…my family. It was a real simple day. We lounged by the pool, ate a simple dinner, and then we went to town on a huge, three layer, red velvet cake, with buttercream frosting. I wouldn’t have changed anything about that day. This was a big birthday for me, it was special, I beat the odds and made it this far in life. There couldn’t be any other people on this earth that could possibly understand that, or who would appreciate it’s importance. My family gets it…they get me. So here I am, fabulous at forty!!!
May 19, 2008
One of my biggest concerns when I moved to Italy was my health care… in fact, it was a lot of people’s concerns. Despite this, I forged ahead and did what I never imagined I would do…I left security of my existing network of family, friends, and physicians. I know that most people my age don’t have to worry about health issues until much later in life. I’m not one of those people. I had to do a lot of research to be sure that my needs could be met, and I was scared to death. What made it all even more difficult was that I was having one of the ’unhealthiest’ years of my life, but maybe that’s where my strength came from. Whenever I questioned myself as to why I was making such a major life change my only thought was, “if not now, when?” I always believed that we are guaranteed very little in life, and some are guaranteed even less. There have been many times in my life when I didn’t know which applied to me, but as I grew older, it all became a little clearer. You see, when I was nine months old, I was diagnosed with a genetic blood disorder known as Beta Thalassemia. The day that diagnosis was confirmed my parents were told that it would be a miracle if I lived to be twenty years old. Since diagnosis I have been transfusion dependent and have been receiving red cell transfusions every three weeks. One of the most significant side effects of these blood transfusions is iron overload which has led to further health issues. When I was 11 years old I had to have my spleen removed which has left me immuno-compromised. When I was 19 years old I began to develop recurring Pericarditis which led to another surgery at the age of 23, a procedure called a Pericardial Window. In between, I developed gall stones and had to have my gall bladder removed, and I have had several ports implanted because my veins are shot, and I’ve had those same ports removed when my body decide to reject them by becomming infected. Overall, I have spent a lot of time in and out of hospitals. Sometimes the reasons behind the hospitalizations were clear, sometimes they were just medical mysteries, either way, they were always traced back to being a Thalassemic. As I have gotten older, Thalassemia continues to influence my day to day health, both physically and emotionally. My organs become more damaged with each transfusion I receive, and I have Osteoporosis, Arthritis, and Fibromyalgia. There are days were I have no mental clarity due to my bodies inability to process toxins efficiently. Emotionally I have very little range, making me feel very one dimensional. I am aware of the medications that exist for most of these problems and have tried them all. When I feel like the benefits outweigh the costs I stick with them, the rest I leave behind. “Woe is me” is not what I am putting out there, that is not to say that I don’t feel that way sometimes, it’s just not where I’m at at this point in my life. I mean seriously, what’s a girl to do, this is my life and it really could be much worse…I mean, really! So maybe that is the most important gift that Thalassemia has given me…the ability to be grateful. By the way, I have just celebrated my 40th birthday…who’d of thunk it!!!
May 12, 2008
I stepped back onto American soil on March 26th, 2007. It had been nine months since I left everything and everyone to move to Italy. On the one hand, I couldn’t wait to come visit everyone, to return to the life that I knew for so long, but on the other hand, I was very anxious and uncertain. Of course none of this really mattered because I was here for a two month visit. My sister picked me up at the airport and it felt as if she had just dropped me off a couple weeks before. She took me back to her house and as we pulled into the driveway I was greeted by my nephew’s hugs and kisses. It was amazing and my feelings of anxiety and uncertainty were quickly squashed when I heard two very simple words come out of my nephew’s mouths…”Auntie G”.
May 05, 2008
On July 7, 2007, I boarded a flight to Italy to see what life in the bel paese was really about. I was about to leave behind any possessions I hadn’t sold, my career, my friends, and most importantly, my family. You see, I had spent the better part of the last 18 years living within 1 mile of my sister and her three children. There was even a period of 2 years where we lived together because she was getting divorced and we wanted the children’s lives to have some semblance of balance, and we wanted them to still have the security of living in a household with two adults. I was there to get them off to school in the mornings, I would prepare meals if I came home before my sister, I disciplined, and I even became a member of the city’s recreational hockey program because my oldest nephew played. I was a parent…and I loved it. Even after my sister and I moved into two different residences we were within walking distance of each other. Some people said it was unhealthy, they said we were too enmeshed…we said it worked. So, it’s not that hard to see why my family was the biggest concern when I decided to move to Italy. I felt like I was abandoning them and for some the feeling was mutual. Although the decision to leave Florida was killing me inside I knew it was something I had to do for me. A lot of time was spent talking to the kids about their feelings, no holds barred. Some of it was good, some of it was bad, and some of it was down right ugly. The time eventually came for me to leave and my goodbyes were filled with uncertainty. When I boarded the plane I had no idea what I would find when I reached my destination, but I didn’t care. The only thought on my mind was what would find when I returned.
May 03, 2008
Filed Under (Uncategorized) by giovanna
So I’m not good at this blogging thing lately. I used to blog regularly and then one day I took a one way flight to Italy and somewhere over the Atlantic I lost my groove. Don’t get me wrong, I do have somewhat of a life in Italy, in fact, some would say I have a really great life in Italy. I just really miss coming to this place everyday and boring the poor souls who stumble upon my ramblings. Now, I really don’t know why I can’t get my groove back, but if I had some very simple assignments (hint, hint) I’m sure I could get going again. So here is my cry for help…PLEASE tag me for something. Anything. I’ll even do a (dare I say) meme. Oh my goodness, I really have hit bottom, haven’t I. Well it’s a good thing that I ain’t too proud to beg, so, PLEASE HELP ME.
December 03, 2007
I’M ITALIAN!!! It’s official. |
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